I've decided to post some of my journal, knowing it will explain how I came to be Serving Spirit as I do. Some entries will be past, some of the present. I never know just what I'll want to write about. I call my journaling Living with LUCK: Love, Understanding, Compassion and Kindness. I've learned if I live with LUCK my life flows much easier bringing me joy and peace in exceptional ways.
September 2003: TJ's Visit
I cried, sobbing Mary's name over and over as I showered, sensing my sister's pain across the width of a continent. It had been four weeks now and her pain hadn't lessened. In fact, it had gotten worse as shock wore off and reality set it. Her son was not coming home. The accident that had taken TJ's life was all too real. I could feel her desire to die, to end her life and the sorrow she knew would last forever. And I wept because there wasn't a thing I could do to help her.
"She'll be all right." The voice was loud, loud enough to be heard over my sobs.
"How stupid!" I cried to the ridiculous voice that dared to state such an unbelievable notion. "How could anyone be all right after losing their child?" I demanded. Of myself, of no one, of anyone, of God. I rested my head against the shower wall, feeling the helplessness and sorrow engulf me. How, in God’s name, would my sister survive the loss of her only child?
"But she will, Karen.'
The voice came out of nowhere. Not my voice, not my imagination, but a firm and loving assurance that everything would be just fine, spoken with such compassion and belief it slipped through my heartache, my grief and my doubts, leaving peace in its wake. I grabbed the shower handrail to keep from falling. Suddenly, and without a doubt, I realized I was talking to God in the shower. Well, actually, God was talking to me. And finally, yes finally, after fifty years, I was ready to listen.
Days passed and of course I began to doubt what had really happened. Delusion? Hallucination? Grief blowing my mind? Because why would God talk to me??? Talk to me in a way where I really heard Him! I'm certainly not anyone special. And far far from perfect. It's not that I don't believe in God, because I do. I was taught all about God in catechism. But I'd probably made enough mistakes in my fifty plus years to see me burning in hell. I'd been married and divorced more than once. I'm a mother of three, grandmother to six, and great-grandmother to one. With that jumble I have had my share of experiences. I haven't been able to give up smoking. I drink too much soda and eat too many sweets. I've known my fair share of alcoholics and substance abusers. Related to a few of them. I have even filed bankruptcy. So why, I asked with no small amount of wonder, why would God talk to me?
Days passed and I managed to convince myself it was all just a dream.
I was crying again. I had just gotten off the phone with my sister. When Mary told me she’d put clean sheets on TJ’s bed, just in case he came home, I bemoaned the distance between us. I didn’t want to be two thousand miles away while she cried. I wanted to be close enough to hold her while she cursed God and the Heavens, demanding to know what TJ had done to deserve this, what she and Rick had done to deserve the loss of their only child.
So I cried. I cried because I wasn’t there to hold her. I cried because I didn’t have the answers. And as I gazed at a picture of TJ and his young daughter, Alyssa, I cried for myself, begging him to forgive me for not being a better aunt, for not being around more, for not calling enough, for not knowing how to help his parents now that he was gone. But never did I expect an answer.
“It’s ok, Aunt Karen.” TJ’s voice, so close, as if he were sitting next to me, whispered in my ear. I heard but I didn’t believe.
“Ok?" I screamed. It was just that stupid voice in my head, right? Just my imagination that he was here and so close. “Haven’t you heard?" I asked him. "You are dead and your mother is devastated. Dead, do you hear me?” Certainly I was losing my mnd!
He chuckled. Suddenly I was remembering taking TJ to an amusement park when he was just a child, hearing his chuckle and seeing his smile when he told me he was so happy his feet were laughing.
“Mom won’t understand I’m ok," he said now. "She won’t understand it was just my time to go, Aunt Karen.”
He sounded so real. so here. Though I didn’t believe it was true, I answered. “Damn it, neither do I! I don‘t understand why God has taken you! I don‘t understand why you had to die in that terrible accident! My God, you were only twenty three!“
It was weird. Weird and strange. The sane part of my brain registered I was yelling at TJ. My nephew. My very dead nephew. I cried harder. If this is how grief was affecting me, my sister hadn’t a hope of surviving her sorrow.
“It’s really ok, Aunt Karen. Really. I’m fine. I'm happy.”
TJ’s voice was soft and sweet when he said my name, whispering through my mind and into my heart. Though I couldn't see him, I felt a glow of love around him so intense I knew it was true. I so wanted to believe.
Suddenly my world shifted. I was outside of my body, up high, near the stars, looking down at the earth with TJ by my side. It was sudden and brief, a miniscule moment in time, forever etched in my soul and mind. My heart knew the truth. I was having a conversation with my nephew. My dead nephew. Talking with him after he’d crossed over into Heaven. The realization was abrupt and sure. I suddenly KNEW we did not die with our physical body, but Crossed Over to a wonderful life of love and compassion.
That awareness changed my life. That fast. One moment I was not knowing and suddenly I knew.
I’ve always had a belief system. I believed in God, and Jesus, and the Angels. I believed in what goes around, comes around. I was almost certain hell did exist. But TJ’s visit brought a knowing, an awareness that would continue to grow over time. At that point , with our first conversation, I didn’t understand all there was to know about life and death and the afterlife. Right now, I was only certain of one thing. TJ was alive.
I’m not certain why TJ’s crossing had such an impact on me. Of course I still grieved. I still cried for his parents and daughter. I cried for his family and friends. I cried because I missed him and all the other loved ones I had lost. Mommy and Daddy, Granny and Grandpap, aunts and uncles, cousins and friend. I only knew that TJ's visit was a blessing and I was grateful he chose to help me on my journey. A journey that will never end, not even when it's my turn to cross over and I meet him on the Other Side.
Weeks passed and I felt driven to read and study and learn all I could about death, or more accurately, what happens after death. I remember thinking once, standing over my father's grave, that he was dead, gone, he was no more. And one day I too would be no more. I was so very sad to believe that. It was amazing and inspiring to really know and understand that this was not all there is, that there is more and better yet to come.
I read books. A lot of books by Sylvia Browne, John Edward, Doreen Virtue, James Van Praugh, Brian Weiss, and many more wonderful authors. The thing that impressed me the most was they all said if it rings true to you, embrace it, if not discard it. I liked that so much! It freed me up to believe what I felt in my own heart was true...though at first I wasn't really sure what my truth was! And I can admit, even after years, I am still learning and I will be until my last breath here on earth. The few things I am sure of are: there is life after death, heaven does exist, and love is the only answer.
I had just shut down my computer at work. It was six o’clock and time to close when my phone rang. I really didn’t want to answer it. It was Halloween and I wanted to get home to greet the trick or treaters. But a voice inside my head said to answer the phone so I did.
The man said he wanted to make an appointment to have his car fixed in the morning. I started the computer and pulled up the appointment screen and asked his name. “Dagan Fluke,” he replied. I thought what a strange name as I scheduled the appointment, said goodbye, and once again shut down the computer at a few minutes after six.
I got in my car and headed home. At the intersection not far from my house, on the route I take every day, was a major accident. Police cars, ambulances, sirens and flashing lights. I began shaking badly and pulled off the road and started to cry. I knew in my heart if not for that phone call I might have been in the middle of that intersection at the time of the accident.
I wasn’t surprised when Mr. Fluke didn’t show up for his appointment the following day.
Since then, through meditation, I have talked to my Angels regularly. I have two whom I feel are with me constantly. When I asked their names, I received Abraham and Dagan in response. I am certain it was Dagan who arranged that phone call on Halloween night, once again changing my life by making me aware there are no coincidences and synchronicity can be a profound force. Since then I have noticed many synchronistic events in my life. Did they just start happening? No. I just became aware of them.
When what you think is true connects with what you feel is true, then you know.
God doesn’t love Jesus more than he loves me, nor does he love me less than he loves Jesus! Wow!
Every day I realize more how easily life flows if I surrender and allow the Universe to handle it.
There can’t be a judgment day. It is impossible. Unconditional love has no judgment.
Why be afraid to die? To be spirit? To live for eternity? It is what is.
I am perfectly flawed!
The last time He sent Jesus to turn things around. Now is our time, the angels on earth who will change the world with one kind word, one loving gesture, with patience and kindness and love for each other. I remember this to be true.
Knowing can’t be explained, it only is.
I pretended I didn’t know anything about God. I erased all I had learned or heard from my mind. Then I asked: Is there a God? Then I heard: Yes. Find him. He is something different for everyone and the same for us all. He is inside you. Be silent and hear Him talk.
Sometimes there is too much to think about!
He is the wind and the chime, the cool breeze and the warm sunshine
He is the cloud that drops the rain and the rain that hit’s the ground
The ground itself and so much more
The up, the down, the in, the out, the here, the there, the everywhere
He’s you, He’s me, He’s all of these
And we are He and we are One.
The right choice always brings a sense of peace, even if it was a difficult choice.
Feb. 2004: I wouldn’t believe this if it hadn’t happened to me!
My father passed away in February 1974. Fast forward to February 2004: My sister, Diane, gets a call from my aunt saying a letter came in the mail for my father. Aunt Twinnie says she was just going to toss it but decided to call Diane instead so my sister goes over to get the letter. This letter states they had been trying to find my dad for years about a pension he had. Now, Daddy had been dead 30 years almost to the very day. My mother passed in 1992 but until that time she had never received any notification of a savings anywhere. And my sister had been in the same town for over 20 years and had even worked at the same place this pension was at and no one had ever found her or contacted her about this before. Diane immediately checked into the matter, reaching a person, get this, with the same last name as hers, who asked where she wanted the checks sent. In shock, disbelieving, and freaking amazed by the synchronistic event, Diane called me, our sister Mary and our brother, Bill, 30 years to the day Daddy died to tell us we had an inheritance coming! The check arrived a few weeks later! I am not making this up! The amazing power of the Universe astounded us all.
His voice was in my head when I fell asleep that night. “Karen,” he said, “talk to my mother.” I ignored it. When I woke in the morning, he was still there. “Talk to my mother.” I did my best to ignore it. As I got ready for work he was by my left ear nagging me to talk to his mother. I was new to this and still afraid of what people might think if I just started telling them I had a message from their dead loved one. So I really really tried to ignore him. Though I had never met him, I just knew he was Brenda’s son, Donny. And he was a persistant soul and never left my side the entire time I got ready for work and even on the drive to work. I kept getting a picture of Whoopi and Patrick Swayze in the movie Ghost and was afraid Donny would burst into the ‘I’m Henry the 8 I am’ song any minute. I put him to the back of my mind as I worked that morning but he kept nagging and nagging. Brenda worked in the office upstairs and he kept telling me to go upstairs and talk to her. I had no clue what I was supposed to say! But I finally could not take it any longer and slowly climbed the stairs wondering what would come out of my mouth when I reached Brenda’s desk and opened it.
“Could I talk to you a minute?” I asked.
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Well, ummm, I really don’t know how to tell you this without sounding crazy and please don’t cry, but is something wrong because Donny keeps telling me to tell you that life is too short to live unhappy.” And of course she burst into tears.
“My God, oh my God,” she says and proceeds to tell me how unhappy she is and about the big fight she and her husband had just the night before.
Well, geez, there just might be something to this spirit talking business after all, I thought as we talked for a few minutes. “He says again that life is too short to live unhappy. Oh, he’s gone,” I said.
“Yes, Donny left. He said what he wanted to say and now he’s gone. I don’t hear the voice anymore and I don’t feel him by my shoulder where he was hanging out.”
“Why did you call him Donny?” Brenda wanted to know.
“Isn’t that his name? That’s what he told me.”
“I’m the only one who has ever called him Donny.”
Validation strikes again!
March 2004: An Angel Reading for Liz:
Does Doug mean anything to you? I asked.
No, not Doug, but dug, like in digging. Did your mom garden?
I see her in a flower garden with peonies, marigolds and roses.
Yes! Those are the flowers she grew!
I see a tall man at your mother’s side. Her brother. I asked Liz if her uncle had passed, and if he’d passed from heart problems.
Yes, she said. He died from a heart attack.
He was older but they were very close, I said.
I then saw a shorter, stockier man to her mom’s left but we weren’t able to figure out who he was. Then Liz’s father came in. I see a tall man with dark wavy hair, I said.
He’s by the ocean.
Yes, Liz validated. His parents lived by the ocean.
You took trips to the ocean. I see Seattle.
Yes. My sister lived in Seattle for awhile.
Your father visited there, after he passed.
No, Liz said. This was before he passed.
No, I said. That’s not it then. That’s not what I’m getting.
Well, I went to Seattle a few years ago for a custody battle for my husband’s son from another marriage, Liz offered.
Your dad was there. He says the decision was right, the right choice, something like that.
Oh, thank you! I was worried if we’d made the right decision to go to court!
Does the name Bill mean anything? I asked.
Oh my God! I told my mom and dad if they came through to mention Bill, an old neighbor by of theirs as validation!
He’s sick, I said. And I’m getting a bad feeling he did something to you. When you were children. Molested you.
Even though your parents didn’t know at the time, they are sorry.
Thank you. I needed that.
I see your dad in an airplane.
Yes. He was a pilot in WWII. Then he flew airplanes of his own.
I see him lifting a light haired little girl in his arms and playing and laughing.
That’s one of my sisters, Liz said. She and Dad had several disagreements.
This is his way of getting a message to her that she was important to him and he loved her. Will you tell her, please?
I see your mother wrapping her arms around a boy, your brother, I think. She says she’s mellowing him out.
Liz laughed. Yes, my brother can be difficult and Mom was the only one who could get through to him.
Your dad is showing me a caramel apple. Does that mean anything to you?
Again she laughed, saying she’d won a cake walk at some school fundraiser and they were all out of cakes so she had to take a caramel apple and she couldn’t eat it because she’d had braces!
Did your dad wear hats? I wondered.
Sometimes. What kind of hat? Liz asked.
I’m seeing a golf cap.
Oh my God! My dad loved golf!
A great reading. A reading that brought validation to both Liz and me. Her family came through with memories and experiences to once again connect with her and share their love. Her validations served to validate my purpose and my gift from Spirit. Thank You.